Update. Still so dumb.

Reporting in that parenting is still so dumb.

When we were within 2o minutes of the hotel where we would leave him to be processed and shipped out tomorrow. I warned the car with final four of us in it that I could feel it coming, "I am going to cry." And then I proceeded to cry for the next 20 minutes in the car, and then in the lobby, and then for 2 hour drive home, and then about 4 times this morning.

They all hit differently. Unique in every way. And somehow the same too. The ache. Good heavens, the ache. The pride, the grief, the joy, the love, the pain, the labor. All culminating in this one moment.

I buried my face in his shoulder. Told him I loved him and I was so, so proud of him. I felt like I needed to say one last time, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I was too hard on you."

He said, "Mom. No."

And then moved his attention to his sister and Dad.

His goodbye with Kora is a tale for another time. Too. Much.

We have a friend who is a middle school science teacher. We were laughing about how parenting is one big SWAG. A scientific wild-ass guess (SWAG). A "rough estimate based on experience and intuition."

This boy was my biggest WAG.

I studied him. Read all the books. Went to the conferences. Trusted my gut sometimes. Sometimes went against it. I tried to balance nurture and structure, hard and soft, tight reigns and freedom, expectations and no expectations. I felt like I was constantly adjusting, never quite hitting the mark of his heart.

There was no formula here. It was hit and miss. It was a lot of apologies and a lot of repair.

In the end, it was a wild-ass guess every single day.

I am certain I did not nail it.

And. Yet.

Here he is.

So strong. So brave. So good.

Grace upon grace.

I'm going to miss him so very much.

A boy born to another woman calls me Mom. The magnitude of that tragedy and depth of that privilege are not lost on me.

I am 100% certain she would be so, so proud.

We did it, Mama.

WAG and all.

He's extraordinary.