Unfortunate Middle

The kids had our car. We had a 1.5-hour window. So Andy and I hopped in the bus a bit begrudgingly to grab a quick dinner for what we were going to call our “anniversary celebration.” The fumes in the bus make me dizzy. It’s freezing in there. So I asked if we could just go the closest place. We ordered water and shared a pizza. We fought mostly through dinner and hardly touched the pizza.

We headed home so we could be there to have the evening’s “Come to Jesus” meeting with the teenagers and to get the little ones settled in bed. We snapped a quick photo in the dark bus.

This is 19. Happy Anniversary.

Brene Brown calls it the “long, dark middle.” Jonathan Fields calls it “the unfortunate middle.” Fields talks about the stages mostly in relation to careers, but they apply to relationships and nearly every “story” in our lives.

There is the beginning point of “Simple Grace”—the start of something new, the shores lined with waving and supportive crowds, the ship starts to sail in the calmer waters against the shores, driven by anticipation and hope and excitement. We start here. Some people stay. Most don’t.

We move eventually into that “unfortunate middle” where we can no longer see the shore and the light of the destination is no where to be found either. The financial runway is dark, it’s quiet, it’s lonely, it’s a lot of work. By far the “most stressful, least rewarding” stage…”a consuming cocktail of possibility and pain.” (This is so vivid too in the parenting middle. If once driven there by cuddles, appreciation, affirmation, and sloppy kisses, our parenting propellers must find a different energy source to sustain the middle).

The third stage is one called “Sustainable Complexity.” We get there at different times and begin new journeys through the stages often in one’s life. But we don’t get here any other way except through the Unfortunate Middle.

So here’s what happened to the Landers. We dove into the long, dark middle of career, parenting, marriage, and self-growth ALL AT THE SAME TIME. This is not recommended.Generally one would hit the middle of career at a time that is not the middle of parenting or marriage per say. It has created an insanely challenging couple of years.

We talked about it last night. We can’t go back to the shores of “simple grace.” We can’t and we don’t want to. We are also not jumping ship. And there is also not an alternate route around or above or under The Unfortunate Middle as much as we have tried to steer the boat to find one. The only way out is through.

This middle is not a place to be inhabited but it does have to be passed through.

We are going to have to surrender to the waves. Stay the course. Ask for help. Steady the rocking boat with as much love and grace as we can muster. This is not forever.

So yeah.From the middle. From our fume-filled bus.

This is 19 for us. I love you, Andrew Landers.

We are sailing on, mate.